Future Plans: No Idea.

This post should probably be about how my time in London is ending in exactly 9 days. But I'm not ready to talk about that yet. So I won't, so take THAT, Life. Don't rush me.

Today is a Wednesday, which usually means two or sometimes three classes, a little bit of travel, and a really late dinner. Usually I don't worry about a whole lot but today I am a little bit worried. Or rather - I'm antsy.

I know everyone has felt the need in their life to be doing something. When you have a goal in mind, it's really common to want to put ALL of your energy into something immediately. That's where I am at today as far as figuring out my summer plans.

All I want to think about is landing an internship - Philly? NYC? Somewhere else? - or not finding one, and deciding to push it to the fall, and once all that is sorted, then figure out where I'll be living, and what my hours at work will be like, and when I can see my family in York, and the list goes on and on and on and on and on about the minute details I want to have sorted out RIGHT NOW. I want my ducks to be in a row. I want to be satisfied with the choices I'm making towards my future.

I also don't want to do any of that at all because I'm in London for 9 more days and I refuse to get too hung up on anything at home.

Basically I'm just feeling like an adult, if I'm honest. An adult with real choices to make and a real life to lead.

Honestly, I feel neither here nor there about any of this. I'm content with going home to the States after this incredible journey. I'm content with working when I'm back. I'm content with relaxing while I'm here.

But to be candid, I do feel pulled in two different directions at the moment. Maybe it's that I feel like I'm straddling the line between "college kid" and "grown up" just a little bit. For I just want to be worry free! Don't we all I guess. It's really hard having a semester of very little real responsibility with so much freedom and exploration and then have to taper yourself back to the pace of the United States.

Being an adult is hard. Mom, thanks for always warning me that adult life isn't a walk in the park. I can at least say that I was ready for this, and that I'm not blindsided. I'm half excited and half annoyed - excited because these little life choices are cool. I get to make them for myself and its MY life and MY choices and MY future. That's amazing and I'm so happy I'm afforded the luxury to have freedom to choose which of many  many different paths I'll go down to get to my future life.

But like I said, I'm also a little annoyed. Probably mostly with myself - because I'm a perfectionist and I have no idea what my plans are for the summer yet. If you can picture it, I'm currently sitting in my bed binge eating snack foods with 20 tabs open in two Google Chrome windows, trying to plan out my immediate future. I KNOW everything will be fine. There's no question. But being a perfectionist means it really really doesn't sit well with me when I don't have all 10 fingers with a grip on my life.

And that's the thing, really. That's the point of this whole ramble - I am a perfectionist and at the moment, I have very little tangible control on the future. I do take solace in knowing that I still have a full year of school left, and I've got time to decide. I'm not graduating, nor am I looking for a full time position like some of my closest,very talented friends are, and I am sure that kind of stress is double time of any pressures I am putting on myself. (I know it's not easy, ya'll. I love every one of you and I have faith that you'll land in the perfect place really really soon). BUT I'm also a believer in recognizing everything I am feeling for what it is worth. So today here I am, telling you the Internet that I am flustered and uncertain, but also excited and antsy to carry forth with my life at home.

I won't let this spoil my time in London (And Dublin, and Germany, and Greece, which are still to come before I leave). In the middle of writing this my dad called me and we got to talking about the future that's fast approaching. His advice, without hearing any of these worries of mine first, was to let the last few days of my abroad experience be memorable and worry later. I agree with him totally. That's my plan. I don't intend at all to let the unknown stop me from having a good time here.

But I am honest and candid here and that means writing about how I truly feel, and at the moment how I truly feel is like a jumble of potential with no landing pad yet. Basically I just can't wait to know where I'll be, what I'll be doing, what kinds of experiences I can look forward to in a few weeks, and frankly I just want to know what city I'll be living in and where I'll lay my head every night. Wish me luck, people!