Adulthood: What the Hell (and many informal apologies/thank yous)

I think I’m generally an adult these days. That’s weird, huh?

I came to this fairly obvious conclusion during the week while I waddled around New York City, alone, in an unreasonable amount of pain from blisters. (Screw those new Jessica Simpson flats. I know beauty is pain ((another STUPID concept – WHY CANT BEAUTY BE PLEASURE!!!!)), but my feet look pretty damn nasty right now and no gladiator flat is worth the absolute brutality those stupid shoes laid on me.)

Usually I’m not in New York for work. The handful of times I’ve been in the city before this summer have been strictly to be dazzled by NYC for all of its tourist glory. Except this week I was just like every other jaded New Yorker, because I was commuting to and from work. So as I painfully tried to strut my way into internship, looking around me I realized something sort of shocking. I am like, the average age of a New Yorker. Everyone around me looked to be approximately 24 years old, minus the clearly important CEOs and others who had a few more years on me than just four. But as far as people in my position – people just putting their feet to the pavement, grinding for what they wanted, just trying to make their mark – those people and me are about the same age.

Usually I’m just a kid tourist NYC pretending for a day that I’m apart of the city as much as everyone else. Usually I’m not commuting somewhere for a full day of work. Usually I’m not even in that city for more than 48 hours.  This is really, really different now. And it’s different because of one thing: I’m definitely not a kid anymore. This is adulthood.

Woah.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not FULLY on my own yet. I still live fairly regularly at my parent’s house (side note: another sign of adulthood? It’s not “my house” its “my parent’s house”) and they still pick up a lot of my bills. I’m not financially independent ALL of the time, although I do take care of many of my own expenses. Thanks Mom and Dad, love you for not cutting me off cold turkey!!!!!

But as an individual, I’m an adult.  I feel like one. I hold myself to the standards of adulthood, too. I don’t feel like waking up early all of the time, but it’s not very adult of me to lay in bed all day long when there are things to be done, for others and for myself. I don’t always want to say no to a purchase that I know might break the budget a little – but I have to if I want to keep eating! (This one has been a challenge. Watch shopping is my new biggest vice. SOS!) Can I say whatever I want on social media? Absolutely not. I’m held to a working world standard on that too.

And my problems are different too. One of my biggest internal debates lately has been to decide if I can afford to buy a new pair of glasses or not. I have begun planning to pay off my student loans. Career goals and choices are what I spend a lot of my time planning for, thinking about, and researching. My family is more precious to me now than ever. I am no longer a teenager trying to escape the oppression of “not being understood”,  a thought that makes me laugh even just writing it because I can’t believe I ever failed to see how incredibly good I had it growing up at home. (sorry for being hormonal, parents! You are so patient with me, especially when I was a lame teenage kid!!!)  I wear sensible shoes most of the time, minus those flats which were a CLEAR mistake, lesson learned, never again in a million years etc etc etc. I’m grown up.

There are two things I’ve noticed since becoming aware of this. The first is that I am so grateful for how I was raised and who raised me. My parents gave me everything I could have wanted, and still do. They provide me and my siblings with unwavering support, even on choices that are a little risky or major like my internship plans for this summer. I grew up in a loving, warm, fun, stable family. I am so thankful to be apart of that. It has made me into the adult I am. I have learned so much from the adults in my life. My grandparents have shown me how to be family oriented, supportive, and happy. They’ve also taught me that if your granddaughter wants you to wear Minnie Mouse ears while she rocks her bunny suit, then you have to do it. Thanks Pap. My Nana Knapp has always empowered me to be the best woman I can be, and to shoot for beyond what appears possible. Her inspirational quotes have rattled around my brain a lot, and they keep me pushing for more.

I feel prepared for adulthood because of my family.  My godmother and I treasure very much our regular games of LIFE, the board game, which we have sometimes missed but generally try to play each time we’re together. Perhaps it is trivial (game pun), but even those moments have been life lessons. My godmomma never once kept her student loans for more than a turn or two – “pay them off right away” was the motto. I followed suit, always. I realize now that the concept of getting out of debt fast is applicable to my real life. When we had to pick our houses by random, we always hoped that we'd get the middle-of-the-road option: not the red brick mansion, but not the the earthquake house that was split in half. Something affordable so we could keep playing, and maybe even win. She taught me little things like that - that our possessions do not define our ability to play a great round of this thing called Life. Thank you for that, Janine! 

Recently my dad and I have spoken a lot about savings plans, including the details of what he did to ensure that my family was provided for. It is so different to hear these things as an adult myself, because I am now planning for my family and future – something I am happy to start thinking about now, because I like to be prepared and educated. My dad tells me that his first 10 or so years in a full time position became the most important time as far as saving and making smart choices as an adult. I am so happy to have someone guiding me through those years as they approach quickly for me as well.

The second thing I’m realizing is that being an adult is like, just as fun as being a kid. Granted, the hard times are bound to be harder. The lows will hit lower and be far more impactful than lunchroom problems, or pimples, or having to move and start at a new school in 5^th grade. But at current moment, I am able to appreciate my free time so much more than before. A weekend at home is so valuable to my well-being these days. My siblings remind me that sometimes you just have to get a Snowbarn shaved iced and relax. I see the value in being able to surround myself with family and friends. I appreciate the time I get to forget my responsibilities for day and binge watch old Disney Channel movies with my friends (Steph, Emily, Tess, Becca. if you are reading this just know that I am willing to watch many more DComs in the Gleanto.) Unwinding after work with a drink and dinner with my boyfriend is truly a breath of fresh air during a crazy week. And at the end of the day, I still have very un-adult moments. Just like everyone. And those moments I cherish, because they are amazing, memorable, sometimes stupid, and generally soul-uplifting. I'm so happy to have retained my spirit even as I've grown up.  Having more responsibility means a few more stressors, sure, but it also means valuing fun, relaxation, friends and family even more.

So maybe I’m only one foot in the door on this whole adult thing, but I sure am here. I can feel it and I am accepting it happily! Bring it on adulthood. I’m ready for you – bunny suit and all.

"But without cheese, please."

I expected to learn a lot about myself in London! But I didn't expect one of those things to be discovering a newfound lactose intolerance. Heres the cold, hard truth: I can't eat dairy products anymore.

Look at this beautiful grilled cheese:

bsinthekitchen.com

Can't have it.

Why is this ice cream cone blue? Does that even taste good? Who cares. Can't have it. 

THIS INCREDIBLE PIECE OF ARTICHOKE PIZZA from New York which I did eat, against my better judgement, but do not regret in the slightest:

  

Definitely ate it, but I still SHOULDN'T have it. 

To be fair, I'm being incredibly dramatic! I can eat all of these things, if I'm willing to deal with horrific abdominal pains and (sorry Mom, sorry Lawrence, SORRY EVERYONE) serious burping problems. Among other seriously gross issues... digestion related. Ehem.

I've never, in all 20 years of my life, had this issue before. I used to be able to eat any kind of dairy I wanted! A full block of cheese? Yes! Get in my belly! Cream cheese that overwhelms my bagel so much its hard to tell which is the main component? Absolutely, and I'm looking at you Bagel Hut! Fondue filling my bathtub so I can soak in the cheesey goodness? That sounds expensive and messy, but why not! 

NO LONGER. My cheese and milk days have come to a halt. At first I was convinced it was just bad combinations or over-eating causing the pain and discomfort, but upon researching the issue, I discovered that a sudden intolerance to dairy proteins is fairly common. From what I understand, it happens as a result of your body ceasing to produce the enzyme Lactase, that properly breaks down the lactose in dairy products. So a big shoutout to my body for quitting on the job early - I sure hope you have better things to do in there, body enzymes! 

Either way, my diet has taken a serious turn for the cheese-less. Basically, dairy has gone from my best friend, to my mortal enemy. I am quite sad about it. BUT! There are ways to combat this. First of all, if I really HAVE to have cheese (like when I have to eat a bagel. I refuse to give those up.) I can take a pill with my first bite to supplement those enzymes I don't have. 

But I have also adapted some tricky ways to avoid cheese/dairy all together, without sacrificing the foods I really love and have to have. 

1. Iced Coffee Dilema - Avoiding Soy

Most places carry soy milk, but I hate to load up on it because it's best consumed in moderation, for a multitude of reasons. This problem most commonly arises when I'm looking for a nice, creamy iced coffee. Recently, I found out something amazing - All US locations of Starbucks carry Coconut milk! This is a fab alternative to soy all the time, and it tastes yum because I love coconut as it is. 

2. Lactose Free Products

This is a no brainer, but it's worth saying. Since discovering my intolerance, I've made the switch to lactose free milk, cheese and cream cheese (when I can find it. Ironically, it was highly available in Europe!) This just makes it easier to cook and enjoy classic foods at home. 

3. Vegan Stuff

OBVIOUSLY Vegan food excludes dairy, because its an animal byproduct. When I'm out and I see a vegan meal or snack, I know I can have it without any problem. Since most mainstream places are becoming more and more vegan friendly, its easier to find delicious meals that aren't cheesey. 

4.  Give and Take

I realize I can't always avoid milk - especially in baked goods, where there are nearly always traces of dairy in the recipe. I've learned what I can handle and what is too much. For example, chocolate chip cookies are a double whammie because of the dairy in chocolate. On the other hand, a cherry tart only has milk in the dough, so it's a little easier on my tummy.

So yeah, I'm a little sad I can't gorge on dairy anymore, but it's really not so bad at all! Life goes on as normal. As a parting message, I'd just like to say this - listen to your own body! If you feel like something doesn't sit well or feel right to you you're probably correct. Follow your instincts and adapt accordingly. 

Gotta go eat a cheese-less sandwich. Cya y'all. 

Future Plans: Vague Idea! Major Improvements! Neat!

Hey United States, long time no see. You  haven't aged one bit. Four months sure can feel like forever, can't it?

First of all, I got a Macbook Pro! Wow. I feel like Superwoman with this thing. Multitasking is at a whole new level, ya'll. I'm writing this post, texting my mom, googling the correct spelling of "coop", and downloading all types of programs without batting an eye. THIS IS COOL. I really never intended to be an Apple fangirl, but as of now I am all Apple'd out. But I digress.

I swear I'm not just going to brush over my London trip, but it's way too much information to shrink down into a paragraph at the beginning of an otherwise unrelated blog post, so just hold tight on the trip recap! I have too much to say and no idea how to say it all without it coming out like "WOW LONDON WOW TRAVELING WOW BOYFRIEND WOW NEW PALS WOW CRAZY FOOD WEIRD HOSTELS BEAUTIFUL PLACES MIND BLOWN WOW".  So pardon me while I completely ignore the last four months of my awesome life and just skip to the goodies:

I finally know what I'm doing this summer.

Anyone that knows me knows that music plays a very critical part in my life. I find a lot of solace in listening to and consuming music that resonates with me. I play a few instruments, I am obsessed with music award shows, my last internship was with a music venue, and even my boyfriend is (really good) DJ/way industry educated/walking jukebox/perfect karaoke partner.

So music isn't work for me, not in any sense of the word, because it brings me joy. I'm also confident that I know what I'm talking about in terms of music. It is the one topic I do feel up to date on. In order to make work feel a lot less like work, my professional goals include music. Music public relations or music publicity is what I know I can do well in, and more importantly where I know I have good suggestions to offer and implement.

Fortunately, I landed a super cool internship in music publicity in none other than New York City. What...in...the...world.  Growing up, New York was a faraway place meant for magical late night eating after a Broadway show, being a regular old tourist on 5th Avenue - a place I only visited once in a great while, and one that I treasured very much every time.  I never would have believed that working in a city which I have fondly loved from mostly afar would EVER present itself.

But life is funny, and sometimes it surprises you in a big way. The opportunity came at exactly the right time. I applied, was interviewed (over the phone while 6 hours ahead in a small apartment in Berlin, Germany while Lawrence pretended not to listen so I wouldn't be more nervous) and got the offer a few days later. I'll be working with some fairly popular names in the music industry, and most importantly I'll be able to gain my first real experiences in the industry that I hope to make my official career in one short year upon graduation.

I also get to work, on the days which I am not interning, at my beloved tour guide job. This means commuting back to Philadelphia for the end of the week, every week. It means a lot of hours on Megabus's and probably a whole lot of sweating. It also means getting to see my great bosses, my hilarious co workers, and make a few bucks to help keep me afloat amongst NYC commuting costs, inevitable coffee addiction, and general life expenses. I am incredibly, unbelievably blessed to have my cake and eat it, too in terms of my work schedule in both NYC and PHL.

I knew when I applied - and still know now, approaching the start date - that being away from home for the first summer ever in my whole life will not be the easiest or most comfortable thing I've ever done. I've never been anywhere but York, PA on warm summer nights and really humid, lazy days. I'm going to miss sleeping in, eating free food, and most of all being able to spend every day with my family. It's hard but necessary and I know that life isn't always a lazy summer afternoon. It's busy and hard work, but also rewarding! And that's why I'm so excited to seize this opportunity. Thanks Mom & Dad for letting me fly the coop, especially after you let me wander the world for four months!

So to say my summer is going to be busy is an understatement, probably. But there is a plus side! Actually, there are a ton of plus sides. In no particular order:

-- Experience GALORE!
-- I work best when I'm busiest.
-- I get to see each of my York, New York, and Philadelphia families every week. 
-- Even though only up and down the east coast, I still get to have an element of travel in my life. 
-- I get to do something I've always wanted to do. 

So anyway, that's just a short update about my life since my last post, in which I had no idea what I would be doing for the summer. It really amazes me how everything works out. I always say that my motto is "Everything happens for a reason", and this is a testament to that. Here's to a long, productive and fun summer. Look out, Big Apple! I'm coming for you!

Future Plans: No Idea.

This post should probably be about how my time in London is ending in exactly 9 days. But I'm not ready to talk about that yet. So I won't, so take THAT, Life. Don't rush me.

Today is a Wednesday, which usually means two or sometimes three classes, a little bit of travel, and a really late dinner. Usually I don't worry about a whole lot but today I am a little bit worried. Or rather - I'm antsy.

I know everyone has felt the need in their life to be doing something. When you have a goal in mind, it's really common to want to put ALL of your energy into something immediately. That's where I am at today as far as figuring out my summer plans.

All I want to think about is landing an internship - Philly? NYC? Somewhere else? - or not finding one, and deciding to push it to the fall, and once all that is sorted, then figure out where I'll be living, and what my hours at work will be like, and when I can see my family in York, and the list goes on and on and on and on and on about the minute details I want to have sorted out RIGHT NOW. I want my ducks to be in a row. I want to be satisfied with the choices I'm making towards my future.

I also don't want to do any of that at all because I'm in London for 9 more days and I refuse to get too hung up on anything at home.

Basically I'm just feeling like an adult, if I'm honest. An adult with real choices to make and a real life to lead.

Honestly, I feel neither here nor there about any of this. I'm content with going home to the States after this incredible journey. I'm content with working when I'm back. I'm content with relaxing while I'm here.

But to be candid, I do feel pulled in two different directions at the moment. Maybe it's that I feel like I'm straddling the line between "college kid" and "grown up" just a little bit. For I just want to be worry free! Don't we all I guess. It's really hard having a semester of very little real responsibility with so much freedom and exploration and then have to taper yourself back to the pace of the United States.

Being an adult is hard. Mom, thanks for always warning me that adult life isn't a walk in the park. I can at least say that I was ready for this, and that I'm not blindsided. I'm half excited and half annoyed - excited because these little life choices are cool. I get to make them for myself and its MY life and MY choices and MY future. That's amazing and I'm so happy I'm afforded the luxury to have freedom to choose which of many  many different paths I'll go down to get to my future life.

But like I said, I'm also a little annoyed. Probably mostly with myself - because I'm a perfectionist and I have no idea what my plans are for the summer yet. If you can picture it, I'm currently sitting in my bed binge eating snack foods with 20 tabs open in two Google Chrome windows, trying to plan out my immediate future. I KNOW everything will be fine. There's no question. But being a perfectionist means it really really doesn't sit well with me when I don't have all 10 fingers with a grip on my life.

And that's the thing, really. That's the point of this whole ramble - I am a perfectionist and at the moment, I have very little tangible control on the future. I do take solace in knowing that I still have a full year of school left, and I've got time to decide. I'm not graduating, nor am I looking for a full time position like some of my closest,very talented friends are, and I am sure that kind of stress is double time of any pressures I am putting on myself. (I know it's not easy, ya'll. I love every one of you and I have faith that you'll land in the perfect place really really soon). BUT I'm also a believer in recognizing everything I am feeling for what it is worth. So today here I am, telling you the Internet that I am flustered and uncertain, but also excited and antsy to carry forth with my life at home.

I won't let this spoil my time in London (And Dublin, and Germany, and Greece, which are still to come before I leave). In the middle of writing this my dad called me and we got to talking about the future that's fast approaching. His advice, without hearing any of these worries of mine first, was to let the last few days of my abroad experience be memorable and worry later. I agree with him totally. That's my plan. I don't intend at all to let the unknown stop me from having a good time here.

But I am honest and candid here and that means writing about how I truly feel, and at the moment how I truly feel is like a jumble of potential with no landing pad yet. Basically I just can't wait to know where I'll be, what I'll be doing, what kinds of experiences I can look forward to in a few weeks, and frankly I just want to know what city I'll be living in and where I'll lay my head every night. Wish me luck, people!

it isn't perfect, but it's so good.

I meant - genuinely - to blog about being abroad. 

And here we are in March.  Clearly I haven't followed through. I have plenty of reasons for the absence, but the biggest one has tumbling around in my brain for a long time and I'm only now finding ways of explaining it with words. 

Everything about being here instead of home is different. Clearly, that was the entire point of doing this. It's exciting. It's cool. The environment that I live in here in London is incredibly different, and I enjoy it. It took adjusting at first, but the British culture is simple where it should be (like with fresh, unprocessed food, Cadbury is cheap, there is easy and frequent public transit, proper social spaces) and complicated in charming ways ("cheese salad" sandwiches, having to navigate bikers nearly as often as cars, dogs without leashes, and a severe lack of late night food.) 

But my family isn't nearby. My professors are not the same. When I go to sleep at night, it's not my bed. I know, personally, only about 60 people in this entire country, if you count my internship placement folk and the program members. 

Some days, I love this. It makes me feel like a blank slate. It makes me feel like I can be anything I want.

Other days, I don't love this at all. 

As it turns out, the anxiety that I dealt with heavily as a young adult and thought I was fully adapted to isn't quite as dormant as I believed it was. This is fairly normal. I have spent the past 8 years navigating the coming and going of anxiety in waves, that get pulled like a gradually changing tide. As with anything, some days (or weeks or months or even years) are infinitely better than others.

But you would be amazed at how uncomfortable it can be to undergo an anxiety attack under the circumstances of being abroad. Being here means that I'm forced out of my shell every day, which is wonderful and so enlightening to my soul. It also means I feel slightly disconnected from myself, which makes dealing with this weird new bout of anxiety attacks even harder. I usually rely on myself to take care of them and keep them at bay. Here, I feel less like myself that I think I ever have. And while I love the exploration and self reflection, it at times makes overcoming the anxiety harder. I can't look within myself to pull through, because I am less certain of exactly who I am in each moment. 

I don't mean that I doubt who I am, at my core. I know who I am - I'm Paige. I'm smart, sometimes funny, afraid of snakes and heights and rejection, all-or-nothing, over committed, outgoing, usually a little sleepy, and typically always some form of hungry.

I like giving things to others, I like reading books without stopping, I don't really like the heat but I especially love the rain, I have a low tolerance for milk and spice, and I have a beautiful family (both blood relatives and soul relatives). At the moment, I'm in love in more senses than romantic, although that is also the case. I am in love with places and views and memories. 

But I do feel less grounded. I'm glad this is the case. It means that I am a true traveler, at the moment. It means that I'm not growing roots, but rather planting seeds all over the places that I get a day or three or ten to visit with. This feeling excites me. It makes me realize that I can travel forever if I want to. It shows me where I want to go in life and where I have already been. In fact, it's a bit like looking at a map of the world. Countries beam with light where I have seen the soil, and others glow dimmer because I now know where I want to go, even if I don't get to for a while. 

I feel less grounded, and that makes it hard to cope when I get anxious. It makes it even harder to realize that there sometimes is not a trigger for these moments - they just happen.

For a while, I haven't written about my time because I sometimes feel bitter about it. There are days that I feel like I have wasted, completely lost, doing nothing but trying to get my heart to stop racing. There are times when I feel like I didn't put my full self into appreciating where I was or what I was doing because I was anxious, or recovering from anxiety, or dreading it. There are moments that I may have taken for granted. I feel bad about those. 

I had a picture of what going abroad would be, and I was wrong about it. I thought that it would be void of hardship. How wrong could I have been? Of course it will be hard. Life doesn't stop just because you fly to another place and set up shop. Life doesn't wait for anyone or anything. It will always have highs and lows. In some cases, those peaks and valleys will even be extreme. I have felt the most pure forms of joy, love, and light here. I have also felt loneliness and despair. I have had the yin and yang - good and bad. At first I resented this, because I wanted this experience to be perfect. But that isn't real, and it especially isn't rewarding. I am thankful for every hardship and happiness I have felt here. Because it is real, and it is alive. 

Every day, I am learning. 

I am learning how to see life with a lens of gratitude, because even the worst days also come with some of the best displays of love and care (thank you to those who have given me unconditional love while I've been here, and my whole life). I am learning about myself. I am learning about others, and how to live in a new environment. I'm learning how to travel and how to take everything with a grain of salt. I am learning how to go with the flow more, and how to be a pushover less. I am learning.

I am learning about love - about true love. About what it means to feel something bigger than yourself, and how to bottle that up and use it to be the best version of myself I can be. 

I am learning about what it means to grow.

Today was a great day. 

I woke up, I got dressed, and I took a long bus ride to a park that I had never been to. I watched dogs and I hiked up some trails in shoes that definitely weren't meant to be hiked in. I got a delicious sandwich because I wanted to. I got my nails and my toes painted, because a real life angel thought I could use it. I ate a chocolate treat and got Ramen noodles at a restaurant, not from an 89 cent package. I loved myself a little more than usual, and it felt really great.

What I'm saying is, I'm fine. I'm always going to be fine! I'm not wasting any time here, not even when I'm anxious, because those times are helping me become a better person. They're teaching me about life.

And I am seeing the world, too. 

And that's amazing.

So I'm going to write more openly and honestly about being here - because I have so many small, joyful, and beautiful experiences to share that triumph over any tough moment. And I want to remember them, as they happen, and share them. And now that I've gotten all of this out and into words I feel like I can. 

Thank you for all of the love!

Talk soon, 

Paige.